 Danny's clammy fingers thread through my own as we're ushered down the narrow hallway and into exam room four, and I give his hand a reassuring squeeze, knowing that it's my turn to be the strong one. He eases himself into the brown leather chair near the lavatory, resting his elbows against his kneecaps as he leans forward to massage his temples. I lovingly stroke the side of his face and lift his chin with the pads of my fingertips, forcing him to meet my smiling eyes. Comforted by my caress, he lays a gentle kiss inside the valley of my palm, and we break contact as I retreat behind the curtain in the far corner of the room to disrobe. In an attempt to alleviate the twisting of the nervous knots in the pit of my stomach, I steady the quivering breath that passes over my vocal cords and make idle chitchat with the nurse as she changes the linens on the exam table. "Dr. Sedwick will be with you shortly," she whispers as I cinch the paper gown's last tie around my waist, making a neat little bow across my right hip, and I hear Danny let out a shaky breath as the door closes behind her.
The tinkling of the rings against the overhead rod reverberates throughout the room as I push the flowery curtain out of my way, and I force a weak smile for Danny's sake when I sense his eyes upon me. Every nerve ending in my body feels like an exposed live wire ready to snap. The short nap of the carpeting is scratchy against my bare toes as I make my way to the exam table, and I seat myself on its edge, draping the sheet over my lap. Goose bumps raise the flesh of my arms, and I rub them vigorously as my eyes dart around the room, taking in the sterile white walls covered with diagrams of the female reproductive system.
Dr. Sedwick's whispering voice draws closer as she and her nurse discuss another patient in the hallway, and I drop my trembling hands into my lap, fidgeting anxiously with my engagement ring. My heart begins to race wildly as I recognize the distinctive sound of my chart being lifted from its plastic bin just outside the door, and I close my eyes and bite my lower lip, listening to the rustling of the pages as Dr. Sedwick reviews it. Rising from his chair, Danny envelopes me in his warmth as he threads his fingers through my hair and draws my head to his chest. "Are you scared?" he whispers, his lips tickling my forehead. I look up into his eyes, offering no verbal response, but he senses my unspoken answer. "Me too, baby," he confesses, his strong hand reaching for mine as he presses his lips against mine.
Dr. Sedwick enters after two soft knocks on the door, and our eyes leave each other and focus on her smiling face as she squeezes around Danny and stands before both of us. "Dr. Sedwick... this is my fiancé, Danny Santos," I introduce, and his hand leaves mine only long enough to offer her a polite shake.
"Margaret Sedwick," she says, nodding in acknowledgment as her eyes drift to meet mine. "Well, dear," she begins, a maternal inflection in her voice as she folds her arms against her body, clutching my chart to her chest. "The pregnancy test was positive." I knew that I was pregnant, but tears sting the backs of my eyes when I hear the confirmation just the same. Danny squeezes my hand in his, and I can't help but notice the tears that glisten in the corners of his eyes as I steal a glance at his profile.
Neither of us seem to be able to utter a sound as the reality of our impending parenthood slowly begins to sink in. Our quiet contemplation is interrupted by Dr. Sedwick, and I detect a hint of hesitation in her voice as she asks softly, "Since you conceived while you were taking your birth control pills, Michelle, I'm assuming that this pregnancy was unplanned?"
I can sense where this conversation is heading, and I want to put an end to it before it even gets started. "Unplanned, but... not unwanted," I clarify, and she understands that I'm not interested in hearing my other options.
Threading his fingers through mine, Danny's eyes never leave Dr. Sedwick's as he forcefully concurs, "All that we're interested in now is the health of our baby."
"By all means then," she begins, turning from us to retrieve the ultrasound machine from its place against the opposite wall. "If you're ready... let's have the first look at your baby right now," she finishes, rolling the softly humming machine beside me. I send a silent, final prayer heavenward that the news that we leave here with today will be good, and two sets of eyes fall upon me, waiting for my approval. I nod my consent.
Danny supports my back as I recline against the thin, plastic mattress of the exam table. Letting his hand slide up to cradle my neck, he lifts my head so that my face is mere inches from his own as he whispers, "Look at me, baby." I comply. 'I love you', he mouths, and I respond in kind, drawing strength from his eyes as my own fill with tears of uncertainty and worry. "I love you," he repeats, aloud this time, the conviction that I hear in his voice helping me regain my resolve, and I fight back the tears this time as Dr. Sedwick unties the bow across my middle to expose my belly.
Time seems to be suspended, and I clench my free hand into a fist in nervous anticipation, bringing it underneath my head to prop myself up slightly. I watch Dr. Sedwick's careful movements as she applies a generous amount of the pale blue conducting gel just below my navel with one hand while making adjustments to the machine's controls with the other. I close my eyes briefly and take a deep breath as she presses the transducer wand against my skin, concentrating instead on the feel of Danny's fingertips as they gently smooth the hair around my face.
An eternity seems to pass before the fuzzy, gray image appears on the monitor, and my eyes drift from my child to Dr. Sedwick's face, trying desperately to gauge her reaction. "Well?" I ask shakily, unable to contain myself a moment longer.
A few brief, agonizing moments pass as she studies the screen cautiously, and Danny's grip on my hand tightens, his pulse throbbing wildly against his wrist as his heart races erratically. When the corners of her mouth turn up into a slow smile, I release the breath that I'd unknowingly been holding as relief washes over me. I feel liberated... as if the enormous weight that's been crushing my spirit is finally lifted, and I cry silent tears of emancipation. "That's your baby," she says, looking between the two of us, the relief in her own voice evident to my ears.
His voice quivering, Danny asks, "Is everything all right? I mean... is the baby ok?" He's afraid to be too hopeful until he hears the words from her own mouth, and he remains stoic and guarded, looking at her with a pair of expectant eyes.
Nodding her head, she angles the monitor closer to us as she reassures, "Everything seems to be progressing normally." Retrieving a writing pen from the breast pocket of her lab coat, she points to a spot on the screen, saying, "The baby has implanted itself high against the uterine wall, and the lining is thick and highly vascularized, which is ideal." Repositioning the transducer, she slides the wand across the cool gel slightly, allowing time for the image to bounce back and flicker on the screen. Locating what she's searching for, she traces the darker, outer edges of the image with her capped pen, continuing, "And the amniotic sac and placenta are completely intact, and I don't detect any abnormalities." She replaces the pen in her pocket, turning to Danny when she senses that his need for reassurance is greater than my own at this point, finishing, "This pregnancy is completely viable and your baby is thriving."
Finally allowing himself to trust in her words, a beautiful smile lights his face, and his hand abandons mine to rest on my right cheek. The other hand follows suit on the left as he slowly lowers his face to mine, his lips trembling against my own as we selfishly indulge in a lingering kiss, our fears allayed. "Our baby," he whispers in awe, his breath tickling my tongue, and I draw him closer for another kiss.
Dr. Sedwick clears her throat slightly, and I recoil from him, pushing at his shoulders as I find myself embarrassed at getting lost in the moment. I can feel my cheeks stain a brilliant crimson, but he's unashamed as he stands upright, his attention returning to the monitor as he wrinkles his brow, asking, "What exactly is it that we're looking at here, Dr. Sedwick?"
Chuckling slightly, she returns the wand to the original positioning on my belly, and I feel excitement course through me as we wait for the image to reappear. "This is what we call the primitive streak," she says, trailing her pen in a crescent moon-shaped arch over the upper right corner of the screen where the image is the lightest. "This will eventually become your baby's brain and spinal cord," she explains, and he leans forward, his hands on his hips as he studies our baby intently. "You'll be able to appreciate greater detail on your subsequent imagings," she assures, her eyes drifting between the two of us.
"Is this... is that our baby's heart beating?" he asks, his voice filled with wonderment as his thumb descends over a faint flickering on the screen.
Nodding her head, she moves to her side slightly when she sees me craning my neck to get a better view, and I follow the tip of her pen as she points to the tiny fluttering and answers, "That most certainly is."
This is all so overwhelming, and try as I might, I can't think of one intelligent question to ask. Thankfully, Danny is completely monopolizing the conversation. "Is it supposed to be that fast?" he asks, and I attempt, with little success, to count the beats that I see.
"Yes it is," she says, hitting the 'print' button on the machine's keypad to make a copy of the image on the screen. "Your baby's heart will beat approximately one hundred and forty times in a single minute. That's about twice as fast as your own heart rate," she explains, and I smile up at Danny when he shoots me a look of complete and utter bewilderment.
"Can we hear it?" we ask in unison, and I secretly congratulate myself for finally being able to piece together my thoughts and ask a coherent question.
"It's still a little too early to detect fetal heart sounds, but we'll probably be able to do that on your next visit," she informs, removing the wand from my body and handing Danny a couple of moist towelettes to clean my skin. The stubborn pout that plays upon his lips tells me that he's more than a little disappointed that we'll have to wait, and I cover his hand with my own as he sweeps gentle caresses over my belly. The love that he already has for our baby is so moving, and when he looks down into my eyes, I remind myself of just how lucky I am.
Scrubbing her hands at the lavatory, Dr. Sedwick says over her shoulder, "I'll need to do a quick swab to make sure that there are no bacterial or yeast infections, and also a pelvic exam to check your uterus and cervix. Then we'll discuss your prenatal care in my office, ok?" Nodding in agreement, I prop up on my elbows and scoot myself down to the very edge of the exam table, placing my heels in the sock-covered stirrups. Danny's eyes remain transfixed on her gloved hands as she retrieves a speculum, a tube of lubricant, a couple of slides, and an elongated cotton swab, and I laugh inwardly as I watch him swallow the nervous lump in his throat. This is why women have babies, I remind myself.
***
Raising her eyes from the notations that she's making in my chart, Dr. Sedwick gestures for Danny to close the door behind us as we join her in her office. Taking seats in the two leather chairs across from her desk, we wait patiently while she scribbles down a few final observations on our first obstetric visit. Throwing her pen down, she removes her reading glasses, letting them dangle loosely from the chain around her neck, and she folds her hands on the desk in front of her as she leans over slightly to address us. "First of all... I'd like to say that I'm certainly glad that the circumstances under which we meet today are far happier than they were a month ago, my dear," she begins warmly, and Danny instinctively reaches for my hand as we both quietly reflect on my breast cancer scare.
As painful as that time was for me, I wouldn't trade the experience for anything because I know that I emerged a stronger person, but in the same vein, I certainly would never want to relive it. "So am I," I reply, not really knowing what else there is to say. There really are no words, and Danny proves that to me, drawing my fingers up to his lips and kissing each one before dropping our joined hands into his lap. When our eyes meet, he shoots me one of his sexy winks, and I'm reminded of the first time that we kissed in my bedroom, and of how beautiful and desirable he made me feel with his tender touch that night.
Replacing her glasses on the bridge of her nose, she lifts her prescription pad from the desk, tearing off the top page and handing it to me. "That is a prescription for prenatal vitamins. I want you to start those right away," she instructs as I glance down briefly at the nearly illegible writing. Her attention refocused on the computerized printout of my lab work, she adds, "I want you to eat plenty of protein-rich foods... you're a bit on the anemic side." Danny sits forward, concern etching deep crevices in his face as she continues, "Your electrolytes are a little out of sorts as well, but that's an expected consequence of morning sickness. You said that you've already begun to experience that, right?"
Nodding my head emphatically, I tease, "Just saying the word 'vomit' makes me nauseous."
Peeking over the lenses of her glasses, a broad smile spreads across her face as she says wistfully, "Yes, well... I'm afraid that morning sickness is a phenomenon that you may have to endure until the middle of your second trimester." I slump back in my seat, groaning at the thought, and I glance over at Danny, who looks positively green with worry. Squeezing his hand, I make a funny face, encouraging him to find the humor in all of this, even if it is at my own expense, but he swallows hard, his eyes shifting slowly back to Dr. Sedwick as she continues, "Just make sure that you drink plenty of fluids to prevent dehydration."
Removing her glasses once again, she straightens the lapels of her lab coat, directing, "I want you to moderate your salt and sugar intake so that we won't have to worry about you developing complications such as hypertension or gestational diabetes." Leaning over as she pushes her chair back slightly, she opens her bottom left desk drawer, saying, "I'm going to give you some free samples of a folic acid supplemental vitamin." She deposits several dozen foil medication packets into a white paper bag, explaining, "You already get this B-vitamin as part of a healthy diet if you eat whole grains and cereals and dark green, leafy vegetables, but I always suggest that my expectant moms take supplements because research shows that it's very effective in helping to prevent the occurrence of babies born with Spina Bifida." Closing the drawer, she extends the bag to Danny, and he reaches for it with a shaky hand, his somber expression conveying to me that he's completely overwhelmed by the prenatal care instructions that Dr. Sedwick is hurling at us.
She understands as well. "Your role is the most important one, Danny," she insists, and his eyes leave the bag in his lap and focus on hers. "Michelle's going to need you to be her friend, her companion, her support system, but above all... her partner," she begins, her calming voice having the desired affect as his hand relaxes in mine, his fingers warm and pliable as they thread through mine. "She may not be very fun to be around at times," she acknowledges, a hint of laughter lacing her words as she shoots a sideways wink my way. "The road ahead may get bumpy from time to time," she grants, pointing to the wall beyond our heads, and we pivot in our chairs, taking in the pictures of a hundred or more wrinkled baby faces tacked to an enormous bulletin board. "But... in the end, you get one of those," she finishes, and he manages a weak smile as his eyes lock with mine, and I know instinctively that we're both envisioning the day when we can add a photograph of our little boy or girl to the board.
Swiveling the computer monitor on the right corner of her desk towards her, Dr. Sedwick props the legs of her glasses over her ears yet again. "Let's see... today is July seventeenth," she says to no one in particular, the illumination from the screen reflecting off of her lenses as her fingers rapidly punch at the keyboard. "When was the date of your last menstrual period, Michelle?" she asks, her eyes never meeting mine.
"June fifteenth," I answer, remembering how I'd worriedly counted twenty-eight days from that date as I futilely awaited this month's period.
After a few more keystrokes and a point and click of the mouse, she lifts her eyes to us, asking, "How does March twenty-third sound to the two of you?"
"What happens on March twenty-third?" Danny asks naively, completely oblivious to the obvious.
Dr. Sedwick and I both try desperately to stifle a laugh, but she's having far greater success than I. "That's when our baby's due, sweetie," I explain, finding his wide-eyed wonder immensely attractive.
"Really?" he asks in disbelief, his eyes shifting to Dr. Sedwick's, searching for confirmation. She nods in reply as she rises from her chair and circles in front of her desk, and if I didn't know any better, I'd swear that I can actually hear the wheels turning inside of his head.
Leaning against the smooth, lacquered wood of her desk, she cinches the lab coat around her waist as she folds her arms across her chest, saying to me, "Remember... get plenty of rest, food, and exercise." Danny remains rooted to his seat, entirely lost in his own thoughts as I stand to face her, grinning from ear to ear as I find it difficult to remember how frightened I was just a little over an hour ago when the appointment began.
"It was nice to meet you, Danny," she says, sliding down to the opposite side of her desk to sit directly before him as she extends her hand. Finally emerging from his daze, he raises his bowed head to meet her eyes, dropping my hand to reach for hers. "This is for you," she offers, turning to retrieve the printout of our first sonogram from beneath the top flap of my chart. His eyes become misty as she presents it to him, and I follow his gaze, reading the words, 'Bauer-Santos Baby', that label the top of the image. With his fingers still wrapped around her hand, he draws her to him, pulling her into a warm embrace. She's shocked by the gesture as she glances at me over his shoulder, but she returns the hug nonetheless, teasing, "Does this mean that I'm invited to the wedding?"
A warm, genuine laugh escapes from his lips, reminding me of just how much I've missed the sound. "We'll reserve a place for you... front and center," he declares, wrapping his arm around my waist as we start towards the door.
Escorting us to the reception desk, Dr. Sedwick pulls Danny aside while I schedule our next prenatal checkup, whispering as she reiterates, "Take care of her, Danny."
"I plan to... for the rest of my life," he answers solemnly, and I'm unable to resist the smile that plasters itself to my face as I wait for my appointment card.
***
The temperature has dropped to an unseasonable low for this time of the year, adding a bit of a nip to the air, and the setting sun has painted the sky with tinges of orange and pink. "Why did you bring me here?" Danny asks, removing his sport's coat and draping it over my shoulders.
Curling my fingers around the slightly rusty railing, I take a deep breath as I stare off at the horizon, and he stands behind me, his hands wrapping around me and resting possessively upon my belly. "I thought that we could use the fresh air, and I wanted to show you this place."
I can hear the faint honking of car horns eleven stories below, and I lead him away from the edge of the roof towards the grand marble fountain in the center of the garden. We sit on its edge, and I stare down at the thousands of pennies laying at the bottom, beneath the crystal clear water... thousands of private wishes and prayers sent up to heaven. "This is an AIDS memorial garden," I explain, snuggling against him as he draws my body close to his. "I organized the fundraiser to have it built during my senior year of high school. It took several months and a lot of volunteer work, but it was unveiled on the Day of Compassion."
He looks around at the simple beauty and serenity of this place as my eyes flutter closed in perfect contentment, and he nuzzles my temple, whispering, "Just when I think that I couldn't possibly love you more, you surprise me with something like this and prove me wrong."
The feeling is mutual, I think, but I whisper a simple "I love you" instead as we watch the sun begin its descent in the west. When the fiery ball has almost completely kissed the sky good-bye, I sit up, turning to him as I point to the brilliantly colored posies that overflow dozens of shadowboxes and urns all around us, saying excitedly, "Just think, Danny... these flowers will be newly blooming when we have our baby next spring." His lips curl into a smile as they descend upon mine, his hand once again covering our child. "Do you think that we'll be good parents?" I ask skeptically, backing away from him slightly, my eyes averted.
Cradling my chin in his hand, he lifts my eyes to his, answering truthfully, "We'll make some mistakes, but we'll figure it all out... together." There's really nothing else that I could hope for, but he reads my mind, his hand leaving me to fish two, shiny pennies out of his right pant's pocket. Keeping one for himself, he extends the other to me, and with our free hands joined, we close our eyes and toss our respective coins into the fountain. When our eyes lock, I know that we've made the same wish for our future.
***
"I'll just be a minute," I insist, slipping into the first floor ladies room to relieve my bladder for what must be the twentieth time today. I can hear the bustling commotion of the nearby emergency room mixed with an intermittent scream of pain or anguish as I splash my face with cold water, and my heart breaks for the countless, nameless faces who won't receive good news tonight.
Smoothing a few wayward curls behind my ears, I remove Danny's jacket and drape it over my arm as I gather my purse in one hand and pull open the heavy door with the other. I can't find him as I glance to my left and then to my right, and I jump slightly when a chaplain emerges from the hospital chapel across the hallway. "I'm sorry child... I didn't mean to startle you," he apologizes, a pair of strong, warm hands wrapping around my upper arms.
As the stained glass door slowly begins to creak closed, I catch sight of Danny inside the dimly lit chapel over the chaplain's shoulder. Kneeling at the altar, his head is bent in prayer, and I finally manage a feeble, "That's ok," in response to the chaplain as he retreats down the hallway.
I know that I shouldn't intrude on Danny's private moment, but curiosity getting the better of me, I inch closer to the door, poking my head inside and listening as he beseeches, "Please, God... please keep our baby safe and protected in your arms. And please guide me, Father... guide my way towards being the kind of husband and father that Michelle and our baby deserve." As he raises his head and begins to make the sign of the cross, I dab furiously at the tears that trickle down both of my cheeks, slipping out of the chapel unnoticed. As I wait for him in one of the uncomfortable, plastic chairs that line the hallway, I silently thank God for all of my blessings... for the love that Danny and I share, and for the love that will multiply tenfold when we welcome our baby into the world in eight short months.
 |
|
|